What if Guys have Periods: A Dystopic Utopia

Have you imagined what the world would be like if guys had periods? It would have been a mess, with a lot of whining I am sure. Why so? Have you not seen a guy lying on the bed all day long, behaving like a 2-year-old just because he has a common cold?

Men are big babies and if men had periods then that would be the end of the world. Once, while I was chumming, my boyfriend asked how does it feel like. He said, “does it hurt like how my stomach hurts after I do crunches?” I was left dumbfounded.

There I was, doing all the household chores with a sharp pain in my stomach, and he sat there on the kitchen counter eating wafers and asking stupid questions! I didn’t say a word. I just slowly walked up to him and punched his stomach 7 times. Then said, “That what period pain feels like”.

Followed by my blow he fell on the floor clenching his stomach. He rolled all over the place grinding in pain as if I have pulled out his guts. It was then that I realized that if men had periods they would not survive a day.

OH GOD BLOOD! *FAINTS*

Most guys I know hop around the place if they get a little splinter. Just one small cut on their thumb and they behave as if their throat has been sliced. After the so-called “pain” or the microscopic cut subsidies, men behave like war heroes. But honestly, men are damn scared of even a  small droplet of blood.

Under such circumstances, can you imagine how paranoid they will get if they have to leak out blood for 5 days at a stretch? They will perhaps go white with fear and “pain”. Sitting at one corner in the room they will see the guardians of death right in front of them.

FALL BACK IN POSITION! MAN ON PERIODS!

Though men are still “big babies” incapable of taking care of themselves, if guys had periods then everyone else in his family will surely go bonkers. Imagine his mother running to give him a  shower, his father sitting at the pharmacy all day long to get medicines as and when required. The siblings at their guy’s command, his handmaids and attendant.

As far as the girlfriend is concerned, she might have to donate him her own blood since he is losing his!

BLOODY LAZY ASS

While this is one set of the problem, comes the next one: laziness. Take it or not, men are lazy creatures who feel that it’s okay to sit in one place, stink like a pig, watch football, and have beer and chicken wings all day long. In fact for months.

Getting up, cleaning the house, taking a shower, at the least, and going to work are burdens, unnecessary issues and must be banned. While this is their general thinking based on which most men spend their lives, if guys do have periods, they will not even do the minimum things they do. Things like taking care of their personal hygiene!

WHAT’S THAT STENCH? DID SOMETHING DIE HERE?

Imagine living with such a guy who is lying on the couch in the same pair of shorts for 5 long days, all smeared in blood, watching a football game! Seems like a scene from a gory murder movie right? Couple it with the stench he will be producing and you are right in a live crime scene.

While women run around the house doing all their duties, taking care of the professional life, kids and family while experiencing severe menstrual cramps, men will fall flat on the ground the very first day!

MY MANPON BE HUGE!!!!!!!!

While ladies are eyed by strange men while they go to purchase their lady products, men, if they had period would have no trouble! While women go out to get tampons, which men try to use as earbuds (Ewww), if guys had periods they will perhaps use “MANPONS”! But it does not end there! There is going to be lengthy discussions about the shape, size, fragrance, strength. Imagine men discussing the various Manpons brand sitting in the sports bar, thrashing each other with high five! Weird right?

HELLO MR. WOOBLY MAN? ISN’T IT A BLOODY DAY?

Remember the time that you told him that you feel bloated during your periods? But instead of getting you some heat pads ana ice cream he got you a soda? Well, its payback time women! If guys had periods, it would be your chance to fix bloating belly. Now you can ask him, “what flavor do you want babe?” (of ice-cream you perv!). But since men are men, even when they are leaking blood, tons of pizzas and beer are sure to be around the room, and you will have to clean the mess. Yeah, sad!

NETFLIX AND CHILL BABE?

If guys had periods, it would be the ideal time to test their reply to “Netflix and chill babe?” While we womenfolks enjoy sex as much as our male oafs, it\’s still a stereotypical idea that women are some platonic creatures, with no interest in sexual affairs. Many men (with no sense of hygiene and disgust for blood) opine that we use periods as a pretext of not having sex! Now those guys would be on periods, would he be open to some jumping and pumping. Guess not. Revenge served cold!

BLOOD SHOWER

Whenever I imagine men on periods I get weird visuals in my heard. Have you ever seen men playing with their friends while peeing? You know, trying to write their name on walls and pots? While that might sound gross to you, men might do the same thing with blood!  Forget if the toilet seat was down, there is going to be blood all over! Oh good, Lord! Oh, the horror!!

Keeping all these in mind, it\’s ideal that men don’t get periods. Really, guys, we don’t need you to feel the pain, just understand how we feel when we are on our periods. Take a break from your football game to come to check on us sometime, but not Netflix and chill.

However, if you still do that, remember we leak blood, we are used to blood and wouldn\’t mind slighting your throat. We are good at cleaning mess!