What If Your Dog Could Speak

If you are a dog owner,  you kind of secretly wish that your dog could speak. Be honest, don\’t you really want to know what goes on in the little guy’s mind when he stares out of the blank window and barks at nothing on the street? Don’t you want to know why he hides your socks, or why does he even chase his tail?

Well, all dog owners have such and many other questions in their mind. I too think of such random stuff when I see my dog, Nippy, an overfed spoilt Golden Retriever, chewing on his dog bone. Nippy is so fat that if he crosses the television when a show is on, you are most likely to miss the entire episode. He is bored of being bored. All he does is wake up, bark, eat, fart, and sleep.

But I love that guy. He is worthless, a big pile of fat who will perhaps eat me up one day if I fail to feed him. But when I come back home from work, tired and broken every day, this chap meets me on the doorstep wagging his tail!

Though he is utterly cute, he likes his space. One night I wanted to hug him to bed. He kept on pushing me to the edge of the bed till I fell off. Surprisingly, the next night, the dude was sacred for some reason. He slept on my head. My head!

Often I would wish for Nippy to speak. Then, one, day, the nightmare came true. I remember waking up to a usual morning, only that the moment I opened my eyes I saw smoke. At first, I startled, I thought my curtains had gone on fire! I soon smelled cigars, and with that realization, I froze to death!

I immediately assumed some intruder had broken in the house! Trust me, that would have been better. But instead, I saw Nippy, sitting crossed legged on the couch, holding the newspaper!!

“Good morning bro”, he said in a deep baritone voice, “I did not bark, it might have woken you up”.

I was confounded! Stammering, I managed to say “ Ni,, Nippy? Is it you? Can you speak?

“You wished for this for so long bro. How could I not fulfill your wish? After all, you are my best friend, and you clean my poop and buy me treats!”

“But how?” I asked. “ Chill,” he said “Only you can hear me speak. For others, I will only bark”.

It took some time for me to adjust to the new setting. It was weird initially. How would you feel, if your dog would call out to you from the bathroom saying “hey dude, we are out of toilet paper. I am poooping on the floor!”

Not only did Nippy start speaking in clear English, but his habits have also changed. He now sits on his but, and uses his forelimbs to hold the cutlery. He doesn’t like his dog food anymore. He wants chicken breasts with salad.

I had a big fight with Nippy the other day. Though he has become human-like, he is still a dog. He still has the habit of eating trash out of the bin. He had swallowed a plastic bag a few days ago and I had to take him to the vet.

Nippy refused. He sat on his fours all day, ranting about how I betray him every now and then. The fight went on for pretty long. A fight that started off with an innocent visit to the vet, went on to include details of the time I had put a cone on him. How he desperately tried to scratch his butt, but could not since the cone was on.

He hated me cause I took him out to poop and pee. He didn\’t like the fact that I killed his tick friends. But most importantly, he was upset cause I told the mailman about his weakness. The other day the mailman had patted his head and scrubbed his belly. Nippy’s sentiments and ego were hurt!

The ranting went on for hours until I brought a treat from my pocket and the conversation went from “You betrayed me. You sold my honor to the mailman by letting him play fetch with me” to: Oh My God! Oh My God! Is that a cookie? Is it chocolate? Do you have bacon in your pant? Oh, Its a cookie!! God be with you bro!

With his new found power, Nippy is now the all-rounder. The guy helped me get over a breakup recently. When I got home, red-eyed after the bad fallout, Nippy got me a drink. Though it was weird to sit with a dog on the front porch sipping on wine, it felt really good when he said “Its okay man, bitches be crazy. You’re a good guy. I love you. Now let me lick your face”

But all is not hunky dory. He has his own set of problems. Earlier if Nippy would not like someone, he would just bark till he was set out of the room. Now he threats with things like “Bro get your girl to stop petting me, or else I will fart and blame it on you”, or “If your girlfriend scratches my head one more time, I swear I will tear down all her plastic surgery”

Since Nippy can now talk, he sticks his head out of the window every other night to talk ultimate bullshit with his street friends. The other night he and four of his friends, barked “we wish you a merry Christmas all night” It’s mid of May now..

Nippy now goes to the park and talks random things, like “see a squirrel! Where is it going? Let me lose, I have to chase it” or “ Let me sit on your face, I am tired of sitting on my bottoms” He has a say in every matter now. Sometimes I feel that I am his pet. He is bossy, disturbing and has no regard for my personal space.

He is not even letting me write this. I better end this quick, he wants stir-fried chicken and his fur ball for dinner.